Grief in Hugely Tiny Amounts

So, there I am in the middle of making an easy $50.00, listening to some tunes that I have to rate- favorite, like, don't like.
I see an old friend with news of another old friend- the news? So and so is pregnant! (Shouldn't be a big deal when the first old friend that I am face to face with is also pregnant... and I was genuinely happy for her.) But the so and so friend- the one we are chatting about- the one who is also pregnant--- she was pregnant at the exact same times of my 2 boys with her 2 boys... all our kids birthdays are days apart- and I am sure if I hadn't lost this last pregnancy, we would be due together again with babies birthdates just days apart.
So, now I know.
I certainly don't begrudge her this happiness. But is it too much to wish that she doesn't have a girl? Too wish upon her the blessing of twin boys instead? And how much of a horrible person does, this wish, imply that I am? Just how selfish? Because I sincerely want to be happy for her, and sincerely don't want to feel so despondent. But I am not and I do.

Kathy- I do wish you the best, but I hope you understand that I just can't feel it in my heart-- YET.

The irony is that I don't even know if I want another baby. Some days I definitely do not,- I know that I don't want to have a child alone, and I know that my husband doesn't want another child... but then there are other days.. like today before 'I Found Out,'... My oldest son asks to hold our neighbor's 3 month old baby boy... and they both are so heartbreakingly sweet and beyond beautiful. And I think, yeah- this is something that is so right, I can feel my heart squeeze.

This leaves me to wonder what is it I am really feeling? Jealousy? Depression? Grief? Mere longing? I mean, how long does this go on? If I did have another baby, would I feel like this again when that child asks to hold the neighbor's infant? Is this a longing that I just have to live with forever? And what about those days when I think I can barely handle the two I already have? The non-maternal feelings of, 'when do I get to think about what I want again?'

Then the song from my music survey come to mind...
".... something unpredictable, but in the end its right. I hope you had the time of your life."

I will let go, and let God carry me through. He will decide what in the end is right.

(sorry about the depressing tone of this post... I really am happy most of the time or try to be upbeat.)